{{Gratitude}}

Gratitude. What does having gratitude, being gracious, even mean? I typically live my life thinking and feeling as though I'm a grateful human being. Which I am, truly; I think. But how much of being grateful is that of me just saying I'm grateful and how much is that of me actually being grateful? I'm mind-screwing myself right now, I realize that. But every once and awhile I feel as though a reality check is owed to myself. A time to process my life, my intentions, my thoughts...it's necessary. And maybe by processing them on this little corner of the web, I can help others process their own thoughts and bouts of "feelings," like the ones I'm about to spill all over.

I pray every day, and I count my blessings. That I do. I have a great job, a loving husband, a beautiful baby boy, an adorable little home, a generally positive attitude, food to nourish myself with every day, and family and friends I wouldn't trade for anything...and I'm thankful for that. But being grateful goes so much beyond that, doesn't it? It's sick and it's twisted...but posts like these, and mindsets like these where I question my level of gratitude are typically a consequence of tragedy. Not even personal tragedy...but tragedy that I happen to come across  while reading headlines in the news, for instance. Terrorism, animal abuse, prejudice...this time in particular, my husband and I came across the story of Joey and Rory Feek. Joey is a young, beautiful women who happens to have cervical cancer. She and her husband Rory also happen to have a gorgeous baby girl with down syndrome. Joey is at home in hospice, and is at peace with what is happening to her.

Anger. Tears. Questioning. Sadness. Cue whatever emotion and "feels" you could feel, and you bet your ass I felt them. John felt them. We sat there on the couch, both sobbing, and quickly closed the story on our laptop and pushed it aside on the ottoman. As if that was going to make these feels "go away." Nope, it didn't. And why should it? Why is it our instinct as humans to push away tragedy and avoid it, as if it never happened to begin with? That little child in you never truly disappears, does it? You know what I'm talking about. The child in you that puts his/her hands over their eyes when scared...because...if you can't see it, it can't see you, right? Literally asking myself that after pushing away the laptop I ended up bolting upstairs, grabbing my journal and writing 6 pages, front to back, of things I was genuinely grateful for. These things ranged from my ability to see a golden sky while the sun was rising, the smell of lilacs in the Spring, and the sound of Finn's belly laughs to being grateful for my now-permanent outtie belly-button. I found myself writing about my appreciation for things that I otherwise complain about any other given day, too. Like my boobs. I complain daily about the fact that one is now 3x the size of the other due to breastfeeding...the 'other' resembling something like a wet sock...but I'm simultaneously grateful as they've given and still give my son the nourishment he needs to live. I wrote so much and I sobbed the entire time. I wrote things almost involuntarily, and I discovered things that I was grateful for that I typically don't think about during an average day. I felt like I could have written for days. And it wasn't for show. It wasn't to impress anyone. It wasn't ego-driven. It was just raw, honest, shit-I-am-actually-grateful-for-that-I-didn't-realize-I-was-grateful-for, goodness. It was therapy. It was what my mind and soul needed in that moment. It was beautiful.

Then...after feeling such a sense of relief and spiritual fulfillment... I thought to myself, howwww hypocritical of me. "Gratitude journaling." Who'da thought such a thing would be so therapeutic? I only participate in this activity of gratitude journaling every. single. day. with my clients in our therapy sessions. I boast to them about how wonderful of an activity it is, how it's "something we all need to do," yet, never actually apply it to my own life. Reality check for myself: practice what you preach girl, PRACTICE WHAT YOU EFFING' PREACH. That led to a whole host of other questions...like, "am I on auto-pilot during work hours of the day or what?" But I'll save those mind-screws and thoughts for another day.  For now, back to having a little gratitude.

Since this little internal struggle of mine I have made it a point to truly exercise my gratitude on a daily basis. To live it at my best attempts; and in ways that go beyond just listing a few superficial things here and there that I am thankful for. I think aloud to myself and sometimes even write down, at least one thing I am grateful for and why it is that I am grateful for it. I make a conscious effort to let this graciousness be known...the "why," even if it's just known to myself. If that makes any sort of sense. I recommend it, like, highly recommend it. Participating in some sort of gratitude exercise.Your experience doesn't have to look like mine, either. Make it unique to you. You can demonstrate gratitude and let your wheels spin by simply taking a walk out in good ole' mother nature; or take a few quiet moments in the morning; or, silence the radio and do it while you're driving...whatever works for you. The whole point behind all of this is allowing yourself to find things you are grateful for that you otherwise wouldn't think you are actually grateful for. Doing it without the prompt of tragedy too...that's the goal. Don't knock it til' ya try it. Now go and do it, right now. Let the loveeeee and gratitude flow, my friends.