Emotional Spillage

Oh Finn, what you do to me. I sit here with you napping across my lap, feeling your big belly breaths go in and out, wondering what it is that you’re dreaming about right now. What’s going on in that little mind of yours? Everything is so new and exciting for you, as it is for us sweet boy…just in different ways. It’s amazing the amount of change you’ve brought amongst us. Clearly we expected a world of change pending your arrival…but never to this extent. Never to the extent to which the way I think about every little thing in life and what I want for it has changed. Never to the extent to which the concept of “planning” has almost completely dissipated.  Planning. Nearly my entire life prior has been a life of planning. Planning to go to college, grad school, when to start my career, when to get married, when to start trying for a baby, what we’re doing over the weekend…you get the idea. Always living for the future despite my best attempts to stay present in the moment. But you, my little monkey, you’ve single handedly managed to turn a planning-obsessed woman into someone who doesn’t want to think ahead further than dinner time. I bask in every millisecond that I get to spend with you. I’ve never felt more present in my entire life and what a force field of a feeling that is. Sure, there have been moments in my life where I was completely mindful and present, but other times it was hard work which is why yoga and meditation became such necessities. But with you, living in the present comes so easily.  I just watch you so intently…like it’s my job…and in staring at you for 1 minute I can tell you that about 50 different questions cross my mind. “You’re mine?” is the one that frequents most often.

So much of what I thought I wanted is different now. It’s exciting and scary in the same to think that, but it’s true. All I want is to be the best mother I possible can be to you.  And in doing so I’m throwing all that step-by-step planning of how I thought things “should be” to the side and putting my energy into manifesting my passions. Manifesting my dreams & making them a reality, for you. I promise you that.